


Pranks

by steelneena



Series: CR 2 Oneshots and Short Series [12]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, i'm mean to fjord, mollycat mondays, pure hilarity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 05:58:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelneena/pseuds/steelneena
Summary: Fjord is terribly, horribly, awfully allergic to cats. Doesn't mean they aren't unfortunately cuter 'an hell.





	Pranks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meridas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meridas/gifts).



Fjord woke up with a tickle in his nose. At first it was subtle and he rubbed at it with his forefinger just to take the edge off, yawning a bit as he did, but when he closed his eyes again he felt something brush against his cheek. Something distinctly fluffy. And soft. And small.

Ferociously, Fjord sneezed, his whole body convulsing up from the mattress, while a tiny mewling noise came from beneath the blanket.

“What in the-“

Lifting the blanket, Fjord saw a tiny white kitten peering up at him, it’s nose and ears a soft dusty brown and it’s eyes a bright crystal blue.

“Git!” he flicked his fingers at it, feeling another sneeze coming on. “You’re very cu – fuck!” He sneezed again. “Cute,” he concluded. “But I can’t breathe when you’re here little guy.” The kitten only looked up at him with large, sad eyes. “Don’t fucking tell Jester I said that. That you’re cute, I mean. Or Caleb. Oh man, little guy, don’t give me that face.”

The kitten mewled again.

“You’re just looking for someplace to curl up nice and warm, hey?” Fjord asked, still skirting actually touching the tiny, impossibly adorable creature. “I gotta say,” he paused to sneeze. “I’m mighty flattered that it’s me and not Caleb or Jessie actually. And you better stay away from Nott. Not sure if she’d actually eat you or not, but you may want to avoid that, you know, just in case. I don’t want you becoming a Nott-snack.”

Pawing at the coverlet, the kitten meowed loudly.

“Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. But I can’t help you, buddy. You gotta go elsewhere or I’m gonna die from not being able to breathe here. Seriously.” He tore his gaze away from the tiny kitten. “Psst, hey, Molls, can you help me out he-“ Across the way, Molly’s bed was empty. Fjord was on his own. “Fuck. Uh, alright, you know what, how about this bed can be yours and I’ll just…go…sleep on Molly’s covers for now.”

The kitten hopped delicately up closer to Fjord’s hand, stuck out a tiny pink tongue and licked a rough stripe over his knuckle, purring as it made biscuits in the blanket

Immediately, Fjord’s hand started to itch.

“Oh fuck, goddamned it, why you gotta be so damned cute. And fucking Molly probably out banging someone. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Fjord got off the bed on the other side and the kitten mewled almost pathetically, crossing the rumpled and mountained terrain of Fjord’s blankets.

“Nope, nope, nope,” Fjord said speedwalking the short distance over to Molly’s bed. “You stay there. That’s your bed now and I’ll just use this one. Doesn’t look like Molly slept in it at all anyways, thank god.”

With a thunk, the kitten dropped from the other bed to the ground. Fjord heard it meow, but stared firmly at the ceiling.

It meowed again.

And again.

And again.

“Goddamn it, look you Fluff Ball, I need sleep and you needed sleep. Now, you got up to my bed somehow, you can get back up there yourself, you don’t need me to do it for you.”

Another meow.

Fjord rolled to his side and peered over the edge of the bed. Fruitlessly, the kitten pawed at the overhanging blankets. Rapidly, Fjord yanked them up before it had a chance to pierce the fabric with sharp, tiny, claws. It looked up at him pitifully.

“No. Don’t do this to me. Please, don’t do this to me. Why me? Why’s it gotta be me? I’m _allergic_ to you, goddamned it!”

The kitten didn’t sympathize, letting out the tiniest mew yet.

“Fine! Alright, fine, here, I guess I’ll just…fuckin…fuck come here, I’ll just suffer.” Fjord leaned down and scooped up the little kitten under it’s impossibly soft belly, lifting it onto the bed beside him. “Now just…pretend you’re not mostly nocturnal and go to sleep, please?”

Purring again, the kitten butted it’s head into Fjord’s side happily before curling up in the middle of the empty space, leaving Fjord with only the edge of the bed.

Grumbling, he pounded the pillow into better shape with his fists before balling it up under his head. “Night Fluff Ball,” he said, rolling over, a glower firmly fixed on his face.

Almost immediately, the weight on the bed shifted.

“Goodnight Fjord,” a familiar, lilting voice snarked next to him.

Startled, he sat up so fast that he slid backwards off the bed, leaving him looking up into Molly’s smugly amused, no longer polymorphed, face. “What the fuck? Molly?!”

“Happy Day of the Traveller, apparently,” his friend laughed, expression mirthful. “You can tell Jester all about how we celebrated tomorrow. For now, get your own bed.”

“Oh don’t you start,” Fjord wagged his finger in Molly’s direction, hauling himself the rest of the way off the bed, taking the blankets with him. He stood and tossed the covers haphazard at Molly. “I’m never rooming with you again.”

Molly only smiled. “You say that now,” he mocked. “But I know you’ll come crawling back to me.”

“Ha! Right. When are you and Caleb just going to get it over with and start bunking together full time?” Fjord shot back as he settled himself back in his own bed.

Molly sniffed. “I’m not rushing Caleb.”

“Whatever.” Fjord turned to the side, where some soft, discarded hairs nestled under his nose. Immediately, he sneezed again.

“Fuck you, Molly,” he said, though there was little real heat behind it.

“Fuck you too, Fjord. Also, it’s your turn to prank someone. That’s apparently how it works.”

“Hmm.” Fjord stroked his chin mock-contemplatively. “Better watch out, Molly.”

“Oh don’t worry. I’ll be on the lookout.”

Fjord shook his head a bit, smiling in spite of himself.

“Oh, thanks, by the way.” Molly added after a long moment of silence. “It’s good to know you think I’m cute.”

“ _Molly!_ ”


End file.
